From the CNU Editors who brought you How To Write A Disney Channel Original Movie and How To Write A Christmas Special, comes a low-budget venture like never before:
How To Write an Indie Movie
By CNU Editors Danielle and Kristin
- DO NOT CAST MICHAEL CERA OR A MICHAEL CERA-TYPE. He’s a great guy, but he’ll turn your indie movie into a quirky mainstream movie faster than you can say “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist”. This is a novice mistake.
- Cast Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Giamatti, or Mark Duplass instead. But then again, if you’re making an indie movie, there’s a good chance that you already are Mark Duplass, aren’t you?
- Use hand-drawn illustrations/animations in muted/off colors for scene transitions and also titles/movie posters. Pink is also especially useful in movie posters to help your movie shout “HEY! I’M LOW BUDGET AND QUIRKY BUT FUN!” (see above.)
- The main character of your movie must come from a dysfunctional family that they are embarrassed to have. They will either spend the majority of the movie a) living and interacting with their crazy family, b) intentionally running from their dysfunctional family/past, or c) talking about their dysfunctional family and relating it to everything wrong in their life currently.
- You MUST include at least one song by Belle & Sebastian on your soundtrack, as well as at least one song that even you have never heard of before. Bonus points for obscure artists from before 1975. Even more bonus points for being able to sneak a non-mainstream jazz standard or two in (i.e. no Sinatra, unless it’s a rare b-side that fits the motif of the rest of your soundtrack). Basically, most people shouldn’t be able to recognize more than half the artists or songs on the soundtrack.
- The movie must be set in either Brooklyn, New Jersey, or some obscure town in the Midwest. No other locations are acceptable as the idea of “indie” is incapable of existing outside of those aforementioned city limits.
- The lower the budget, the better. Try to use a camera phone/hand-held camcorder for at least one scene, and NEVER use a dolly/tripod. You want that shaky effect.
- The main female character must own/wear a lot of converse/combat boots, and the main male character must own/wear a lot of sweaters and corduroys. Quirky hats and thick rimmed glasses could be worn by either party and/or the director of your film. Thrift stores come in especially handy in these types of situations. Everything vintage is fair play.
- There has to be at least one severely depressing moment in the film, even if it’s a comedy. At some point in the movie, someone is going to cry alone in a car/on a mountain top/on a roof garden, and we’re only going to hear the Velvet Underground song you layered on top of it because that’s how important your hand-picked soundtrack is to the film itself. (for further reference, see #5)
- 120 minutes? Please, that’s not nearly enough time for your characters to have a substantial story arc. You’re going to need at least 40 more minutes of seemingly useless footage that somehow “adds” to the depth of your characters/aids the plot in some higher way. Adversely, you could also go the short-film route and show off your artistic integrity by being able to get your message across in under 20 minutes.
Now that these rules are set in stone, hurry up and shoot your indie film before these guidelines become mainstream and lose their cred.
Source: comedynerdsunited
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